"Comparison is the thief of joy"

Isn't it funny how little things become HUGE things when you're trying to fall asleep at night?  Like trying to remember if you paid the electric bill on time - or realizing you forgot to send a birthday card....Suddenly, filling the car up with gas seems like an insurmountable chore.

Last night while I lay in bed looking at other people's artwork, I started feeling pretty discouraged.  What I saw was amazing - and what I do pales in comparison.   I turned the laptop off but shutting my mind off was much harder.  I kept thinking how there are far too many people, more talented than me and already doing what I want to do, to achieve what I want to achieve.  These people are professionals and I am an amateur.

I've been trying to illustrate as much as I can... which basically means I race downstairs to my Studio as soon as baby M goes down for a nap!  I'm trying to improve, and find my style, and uncork all that creativity that I know is in there somewhere.  I feel like time is against me.  I don't know why.  I guess because this is more than just a hobby.   I treat it like a job because that's what I want it to be.  

This morning I felt much better.  Don't get me wrong, I still doubt myself sometimes - a lot of times.   I've spent many years thinking I could never do this, and now I'm doing it - sort of - and it's scary.   Last night those thoughts were suffocating, but today, I let them drift away. 

When I wonder why my thoughts suddenly overcame me last night, I realize it started when I compared myself to other illustrators.  It's a repeating habit in my life.   I compare myself to my friends and I feel boring and unaccomplished.  I compare myself to other moms and I feel lazy and unsure.   I compare myself to other artists and I feel out of my league.  I find the best qualities in others and wonder why I can't be more __________.  (Fill in the blank.)   

But what about the best qualities in me?  "Comparison is the thief of joy," said Theodore Roosevelt.  How right he was!  And it's a spectacular waste of time too.  I don't want to be like anyone else.  I WANT TO BE ME!  Silly me. Confused me. Kind me. Impatient me. Curious me.  Strong me.   In a society that tries so hard to tell us who to be - that is accomplishment enough.

"Lis, lis, lis"

I complain about the DUMBEST stuff.

The baby woke up fifty times last night!  

I ordered my taco salad thirty minutes ago! 

The floor is dirty and I JUST vacuumed!

The taco salad one was seriously ridiculous.  On my way home with the food, I went over what I wish I had said to the owner about 20 times.   "Excuse me ma'am, you really ought to apologize when my to-go salad comes 40 minutes after I ordered it."  "I've seen six - SIX - people get their food that ordered after me."  "How long does it take to make a stinkin' taco salad?!"  "I will NOT be coming back here."  

Micah was staring at me in his little mirror from the back seat, looking slightly amused.  It wasn't until I got home that I realized how ridiculous I sounded.  I was nursing Micah and flipping through Facebook when I read an update from my friend Sonja.  Sonja and I met in 2005 when I was first stationed in San Diego.  She was a Reservist and, quite frankly, a ray of sunshine in our all-male office.  She was kind and cheerful and worked more than any other Reservist I knew.  She spent tons of her own time and money to manage a Coast Guard program that educated children about the importance of keeping the ocean clean.  We would go from school to school teaching kids about recycling.  Somehow, she got me to dress up in a dolphin costume.  I remember one kid running up to me, grabbing my dolphin head and saying "I see you in there."  (Yea, scary!)  One day, when we were driving our unit's F250 between a bunch of cones during an emergency vehicle operator course, she said "I have the perfect guy for you." Oh boy.  She tried to set us up a handful of times.  We finally went on a date a few months later.

Sonja and I

Fast forward ten years.  I married the guy.  She married Jesse, and they now have two beautiful kids with a third on the way.  Presley is Sonja's second child and first daughter.  She was born with a very rare skin condition called Congenital Melanocytic Nevus.  A large pigment based mole covered her lower right leg and foot when she was born and needed to be surgically removed to reduce the risk of it becoming malignant.  The process of removing the nevus involved numerous surgeries including inserting tissue expanders into her upper thigh to grow new skin, then cutting out the nevus and tucking her lower leg into the newly expanded skin.

A few months ago, when Presley's lower leg had been tucked into her thigh for the second time to try to grow new skin over her leg, her foot became infected.  By the time the doctors realized what had happened, it was too late.  Presley's foot was amputated the next day.  Presley is 18 months old, has undergone 16 surgeries, and is now waiting for her first prosthetic.   She wants to walk and is still trying to understand why she can't; yet she is also one of the happiest little girls I've met.

Presley (aka ladybug)

Still smiling!

There are other stories like this.  Just last week, I met a little boy from Hawaii with a defective heart who had a stroke when he was just six.  He's now living with the heart of a 27 year old.  His favorite animal is the dolphin.  My friend, who happens to be a dolphin trainer at Sea World, was so happy to offer him and his family one-on-one time with Sandy the dolphin.  (Thank you Jarrell!) Even though the little boy had a hard time expressing his excitement verbally, you could see the glow in his eyes.

Then I think about the 27-year-old who donated the heart...  And I think about my friend Katie who died of cancer when she was 31.  And my husband who lost his father when he was young.  And my cousin who took her own life after battling depression so deep that no one but her will ever understand.  And a 9-year old girl in Kenya who was caned when she refused to marry a 78 year old man.  The list goes on... just look at the news.

I am SO lucky.  Why them, God?  Why me?  I have NOTHING to complain about.  Nothing.

Micah woke up fifty times last night.  (More like four times.)  He. Woke. Up.  He's alive!  

I had to wait for a taco salad.  It was fresh.  It was delicious.  It was easily affordable to me.  It was big enough to feed four and I ate it all!     

The floor is dirty.  MY floor, in MY kitchen, in MY house, that protects the things I love most! 

Lis, lis lis.

On October 17, several of Sonja's sweet friends are holding a fundraiser to help offset the tremendous medical expenses that Sonja and Jesse have accrued.  It's called the Ladybug Benefit.  I created two pieces of art that will be auctioned off along with a whole bunch of other stuff!  If you are in San Diego and want an invitation, please let me know!  If you aren't and are interested in reading more about Presley's journey, giving a donation, or simply praying for this family, check out their gofundme page!  And when you hear me complain about dumb stuff (because it's going to happen), listen for a bit.  (Everyone needs to blow off steam sometimes, especially new moms.)  BUT if I carry on too long, please gently remind me that happiness comes when we stop complaining about troubles we have and offer thanks for troubles we don't have!

Auction items!

Exhale

I feel like I've finally exhaled after holding my breath for days.  Let me explain.

I was recently selected for a 6 month position with the Coast Guard.  It would advance my Coast Guard Reserve career and keep me relevant if I ever go back to federal employment.  It's also close to home, I'd be working with great people, and I'd be doing something to help others.  Seems like a no-brainer, right? I asked for a few days to think it over.

I had the support of my husband no matter what I decided to do.  That's a wonderful thing - though in some ways, I felt added pressure - like it was entirely on me to make the right decision.  I struggled for days.  My practical side said take the job!  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.  It's great for your career!  It's money!  And, yes, I thought it: it'd be a break from being home with baby M all day every day.  #momguilt

The other part of me felt heart-sick even thinking about going back to work.  No matter how tiring it is sometimes, being home with M is also a once in a lifetime opportunity - one that many women never have - one that I love.  I tried to imagine how it would feel to drop him off at daycare that first day, wondering who would wipe the drool from his chin, or sing to him, or comfort him when he cried.

Don't get me wrong.  I have no issues with childcare.  I know it'd be hard those first few days, but once we found our routine, I'm sure everything would be fine.  It's simply based on my desires right now.  I want to be the one to wipe the drool from his face, to make him laugh, to watch him try to use his hands for the first time.

There's another thing too.  You see, my dream is not to be a stay-at-home-mom - though there's nothing wrong with that!  My dream is to be a working artist/illustrator/designer with the ability to control my own hours (which will allow me to be with my children more than a 9-5 job would allow ).  I think I've been dreaming about wilderlis since before I went to bootcamp 14 years ago - before it had a name - back when I used to make home-made greeting cards and sell them to my mom for a quarter.  I don't want to lose that momentum.

So what to do? I happened to be drilling (doing Coast Guard Reserve work) in the Bay Area right before my decision was due.  After explaining the situation to one of my mentors, he said something that resonated with me.  There is no "right" or "wrong" choice here - only a "good" or "good" choice. 

Later that evening, during dinner with a couple buddies, I asked them what they would do if they were me.  It was probably the 10th time I'd asked that question in the past two days (and I received an array of responses from both women and men), but something about what my friends said that night gave me peace for the first time.  While I couldn't really understand why (peace that passeth all understanding), I believe it was God answering my prayers.

This morning, I respectfully declined the position.  There are still moments when doubt creeps back in, especially when I question how I'm helping people by creating art (I believe that question will be answered one day too).  But then, I look at little M and know I will never regret this decision - drool and all.  :)

F A I T H > W O R R Y

l, lis.

Never give up!

I "launched" the blog last night while I was laying in bed, trying to stay cool in this ridiculous San Diego heat wave. I didn't feel like it (or I) was ready, but I gave myself a deadline and decided to keep it despite some unexpected interruptions yesterday. Deadlines are good for me. Without deadlines, I'd wait for perfection, and that would be a really long time.

It was exciting to launch (which basically entailed sharing the link with 300+ Instagram and Facebook friends). It was even more exciting to wake up the next day and see the blog had reached 600 views (of which at least half are probably mine). Twelve hours later, the blog now has over 800 views.

I've never been so happy about someone "following" me (wilderlis) in my life! And this is just the beginning. I know if I'm going to be successful, I need a million views. Or maybe a billion! I have to get myself out there in every way possible. Inst-y. Facebook. Twitter. Pinterest. Etsy. Dot dot dot.

Ya know what? It's awkward, promoting yourself.

The self-doubt is real! Why would anyone read my blog? Who would want to buy my art? Stephen Colbert said this interesting thing in an interview the other day regarding his new show. When asked what would make his show successful, he responded (in some form or another) that he just had to hope there were people out there who felt the same way he did.

My sister sent me a wonderful and very encouraging email right before the launch. Here is part of it: "I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that you are [going for it]. You will never regret trying, and I have a suspicion it will work. If I can encourage you with one thing I have learned... never give up. Never make the mistake of judging the value of what you are doing by how easy it comes. It may come easy, but it may not. God is faithful time and time again, sometimes only after feeling like it is a lost cause or impossible."

It was what I needed to hear that day. And it is what I need to hear now since here I am again, thinking about deleting this post because I can't imagine why anyone would want to read it. I guess, like Colbert said, I just have to hope there are people who feel the same way I do. I think there are. And if you're reading this, DON'T GIVE UP!

Finally, a huge THANK YOU to all of my friends and family for your support with the launch.   Every "share" and "follow" means so much to me because I know how much easier it is to skip over.  Thanks for stopping by!

 l, lis

Also proven to help with not-giving-up... one smile from this guy!