Exhale

I feel like I've finally exhaled after holding my breath for days.  Let me explain.

I was recently selected for a 6 month position with the Coast Guard.  It would advance my Coast Guard Reserve career and keep me relevant if I ever go back to federal employment.  It's also close to home, I'd be working with great people, and I'd be doing something to help others.  Seems like a no-brainer, right? I asked for a few days to think it over.

I had the support of my husband no matter what I decided to do.  That's a wonderful thing - though in some ways, I felt added pressure - like it was entirely on me to make the right decision.  I struggled for days.  My practical side said take the job!  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.  It's great for your career!  It's money!  And, yes, I thought it: it'd be a break from being home with baby M all day every day.  #momguilt

The other part of me felt heart-sick even thinking about going back to work.  No matter how tiring it is sometimes, being home with M is also a once in a lifetime opportunity - one that many women never have - one that I love.  I tried to imagine how it would feel to drop him off at daycare that first day, wondering who would wipe the drool from his chin, or sing to him, or comfort him when he cried.

Don't get me wrong.  I have no issues with childcare.  I know it'd be hard those first few days, but once we found our routine, I'm sure everything would be fine.  It's simply based on my desires right now.  I want to be the one to wipe the drool from his face, to make him laugh, to watch him try to use his hands for the first time.

There's another thing too.  You see, my dream is not to be a stay-at-home-mom - though there's nothing wrong with that!  My dream is to be a working artist/illustrator/designer with the ability to control my own hours (which will allow me to be with my children more than a 9-5 job would allow ).  I think I've been dreaming about wilderlis since before I went to bootcamp 14 years ago - before it had a name - back when I used to make home-made greeting cards and sell them to my mom for a quarter.  I don't want to lose that momentum.

So what to do? I happened to be drilling (doing Coast Guard Reserve work) in the Bay Area right before my decision was due.  After explaining the situation to one of my mentors, he said something that resonated with me.  There is no "right" or "wrong" choice here - only a "good" or "good" choice. 

Later that evening, during dinner with a couple buddies, I asked them what they would do if they were me.  It was probably the 10th time I'd asked that question in the past two days (and I received an array of responses from both women and men), but something about what my friends said that night gave me peace for the first time.  While I couldn't really understand why (peace that passeth all understanding), I believe it was God answering my prayers.

This morning, I respectfully declined the position.  There are still moments when doubt creeps back in, especially when I question how I'm helping people by creating art (I believe that question will be answered one day too).  But then, I look at little M and know I will never regret this decision - drool and all.  :)

F A I T H > W O R R Y

l, lis.